Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Vegetarian burger

Being a red blooded Englishman, on a Sunday I eat roasted beef, pork, turkey, lamb or occasionally goose. I enjoy these swimming in thick roast gravy made from their stock and juices. What ever vegetables I have it with is about as important as where the cutlery I'm using was made (Sheffield for those of you who really care). I love the traditional Sunday roast, I love it so much I go to a pub/restaurant called the Toby Carvery midweek so I can have a Sunday roast on a Tuesday! WHOA TOTAL MINDFUCK! Yes, you read correct. It's the Mecca of meals out. There is always at least 4 delicious meats available. You choose what you want, they carve it off the joint and you can then go pile potatoes and carrots n shit on top. I have all 4 together and lemme tell you, there is nothing like eating 4 different types of animal at once.

While eating my meal today I almost choked on my gammon (could of been lamb, I had both stuffed in my gob at the time) why? Because I heard the most ridiculous question ever... "is there a vegetarian option?"... I was speechless, chewing still, but speechless. Why? Why would someone not want meat and come to a fucking carvery? It's like a priest going to a brothel and asking for a haircut, IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! Yes yes yes, I know some people out there have a personal issue which stops them from eating good food; but I still struggle with the concept. Usually I leave these odd people be, but if there is anything that makes my blood fucking curdle it's a self righteous douchebag; before the waiter had chance to answer the first question it was quickly followed by the statement "I don't eat meat" (yes you cretin, we figured that out when you inquired about a non-delicious option) and then even more infuriating he finished with "I think it's immoral".

That Bastard. He just bareface insulted everyone in the room trying to enjoy a meal. At this point I turned around to get a good look at this prince of high moral fibre... He had an asymmetrical fringe hair cut and sunglasses on indoors; yup, he may have bloody shins because he can't see shit in the rooms soft lighting, but at least he feels cool. His opinion on everything now utterly destroyed in my eyes I shifted gaze to his partner, student written all over her; sheik hipster, painstaking effort into making her hair look like a jet flew past at mac3 and wearing a "stay calm" shirt. Yuppies. These two come in to an eating establishment focused on the carving of fresh roast meats in order to sit at the centre of the room and look down their noses at everyone, and that my friends is why I despise vegetarianism.

I have friends that don't eat meat, either because it doesn't agree with them or because they are plain fussy. The difference is they don't feel like they are better than anyone else for it. On the other hand I have friends (I like less) that constantly try and engage me in debate (I use the word debate loosely as it's more of a lecture followed by the ability to completely disregard all reasonable feedback).
 I can almost guarantee the same points are made every time I get drawn into one of these inane conversations;

"Do you like animals?"

I love animals.

"how can you love an animal if you eat them?"

I love all animals; pork, beef, poultry, game bird, lamb etc...

"It's murder, you are enabling the slaughter of millions of animals a year"

No, I am actually ensuring the survival of species; do you seriously think cows or chickens would not go extinct in a generation if we stopped domesticating them?

"No they'd be able to live fine"

How? 1. They'd not have a nice pasture, we now use that land for other things, no more free grass.
 2. Predators like foxes would ravage chickens, or do you suggest we kill them to save the now useless chicken?

This is where the deflecting statements and facts come in to try and battle the logic...

"The land we use to feed cattle and other livestock, if it was used to grow produce such as wheat or grain it would be enough to feed the world!"

Fact: pasture land used for livestock is nearly always unsuitable for growing crops or cereals.
Fact: we already grow enough produce to feed the entire world.

"Then why is there so much famine and starvation in the 3rd world?"

Because of economics; regardless of grain amount, the rich still own the means to grow, harvest, treat and distribute. The poor still have no means of purchasing it.

"Well; food would still be cheaper, a steak costs far more than a turnip"

Yes, and if tomorrow meat was off the shelves I'd give it a week before prices change, a turnip may end up costing as much as a lamb joint... Why? Supply and demand; again basic economics, the rich will want to stay rich, the rest of us will still be their bitches.

Trumped by simple business logic the last stand is used... This question and answer combo was coined by a guy called  Harvey Diamond, and I supposed to point out that we do not naturally eat meat. It is used constantly by a total smug prick called Gary Yourofsky (a criminal, terrorist, and militant vegan moron).

“You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.” 

This is the stupidest point I've ever heard. Aside from the obvious flaw of the baby not having teeth to eat an apple or a bunny. For the sake of arguing against this point let me retort in the same principle. If I was put in a room with a bunny and an apple I'd eat the apple. BUT if the baby was in a room where there was rabbit stew, or a handfull of apple pips, will it chow down or grow an apple tree? Boom! I'll have a '69 Chevrolet Impala please Harvey.

"Ok, well, humans aren't designed to eat meat, our intestines are to long; predators have small intestines to digest the meat before it rots."

Our evolution has granted us the capability to cook meat. properly prepared it won't rot quickly in the gut like raw meat in a lions belly. Humans are a coastal creature, we initially ate fish and foraged on the coasts and the seas, we then migrated inland and became nomadic hunters, finally we learned to grow crops and domesticate animals.
Still this reasoning never changes minds. I sometimes think lack of meat causes short sightedness and inability to process logic.

This rant went on longer than it meant to, seems I have more suppressed disdain than I originally thought. So with no further adieu I'll finish with my usual rip off quote of the post; "Vegetarians? Throw 'em all on the barbecue. More meat for the meat eaters!"

Night y'all, I'm famished, gonna go and see how many different types of meat I can get on a sandwich.

P.s: Maddox, probably the greatest blogger (though he'd likely rupture my spleen by spitting chewed beef jerky like a cannonball at me for calling him that) has some great articles about his hatred of vegetarians on his sight. No direct link, you can sift through to find it, believe me, you'll enjoy his other stuff while trying to find it.

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