Sunday, 30 September 2012

it's abit wet outside mam!

If you live in the North West of England then you've probably noticed the recent rain. To those who don't live in the North West of England I'll explain; WE HAVE INCURED GODS WRATH, AND HE HAS SENT 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS OF GAILS TO WASH AWAY THE SINFUL. (retort for sensible people and atheists- It's been raining pretty damn hard).
2 months worth of rain in 3 days. Oh by the way two months worth of rain during September and October in NW UK is around 170mm of perspiration; so that's a lot of rain. Warrington had around 6 inches of rain pour down on it from Sunday night last week until Tuesday night this week. Warrington is also in a valley, so the majority of rain from the surrounding higher areas pooled here; this is my street...

This is a street about a mile down the road.

Learner driver... lol

This is not the first flood we've had in a month either, right at the end of August, Warrington was host to a festival known as Creamfields... it also got a tad damp and had to be cancelled...

Well the bright side is the autumn rain can't last forever; We can soon be looking forward to the Winter Snow!

6myth Style n fashion tips

I've had bloggers block recently. The last few 'hardcore reviews' and 'Bff Andy...' were all written in one night, but cleverly spaced apart to make it look like I can do this shit regularly. My Terrible affliction has left me unable to come up with any worthy blogging ideas of my own; So once again I've decided to completely rip off a fellow friend blogger's niche... Fashion, style n tips... 6myth style.
I'm a rocker. Always have been. Cut me in half and I'm sure the words 'Iron Maiden' and 'Metallica' are stained into me as if I was a piece of Blackpool rock candy! Now any self respecting rocker needs these 5 things.

1. The foot ware.

Elegant, comfy, and not to mention eternally and universally stylish; of course the first thing that comes to mind are Steelies. A good pair of Black, Steel toed, above ankle shit kickers are a must. They go with anything; denim, leather, tuxedos... They offer protection all round, be it from heavy work equipment, to riding your motorcycle, or even the occasional boot to the jaw (it's called a black aspirin in my trade.)

These pair are "groundwork" from Shoezone at a bargain of £25.

2. Trousers

Denim Jeans. What self respecting fan of Black Sabbath will wear anything but? Acid washed with a hint of brown, turned up at the bottom n slightly creased. Beer/Oil stains optional.

3. Undies

1. Pair of old Calvin's will do. Wear for afew days, take em off, turn em onside out BOOM fresh enough for the weekend!

4. Shirts

Who gives a shirt about collars and buttons when you have band T-shirts (did you see what I did there?). Show the world how refined your taste is by wearing your favorite artists on your chest.

 I like all types of nut busting music.

 The only other option is plain white, black or grey.

5. Jacket.

Leather. Anything that didn't require an animal to die so you can be warm and look cool is not rock and roll.

This is a carboot WIN at £5! black classic James Dean Rebel Without a Cause, looks great while you straddle a motorcycle, looks great while you tear out a sweet guitar lick, looks great.

6. Accessories.

Things you need to finish the look.
Hair wax, plenty of it, slick that do back like your an Italian in a wind tunnel!
Comb - make sure your blast back stays blast back. You don't want to look like Robert Smith from the Cure (even though he is a freakin' legend)
Rag- for cleaning grease, oil, n wax off your hands, nonchalantly tucked into your back pocket.

Look at you, Cinderella! Ready for the (head bangers) ball!

Saturday, 29 September 2012

My BFF Drew and the trip to Newcastle.

A fortnight ago, I embarked on a journey; braving the NO INTIMACY platforms of Warrington rail, through several bleaker and bleaker towns, facing off smelly strangers in a battle for seats, then trying to get a taxi without paying... All to see my best friend in the whole wide world, Andrew David Smith, born December 16 1989, naturally blonde hair blue and eyed, about 5ft 10/11. lived in Woolston, an area of Warrington, Cheshire until 2008 when he moved to Leeds, he has resided in Newcastle since 2011, he's studying to be a dentist and his favorite colour is red. He prefers cats over dogs, and is fond of chicken dippers chips and beans.

Handsome Bastard... Stupid hat

With all the fraudsters on the internet and for privacy reasons he's asked me ro refer to him simply as Drew; respecting his wishes I will do this. (Drews doodle of the day, that Drew)

Drew has been my Best Friend Forever since 10.04am September 3rd 2001. Yes, I fucking remembered. It was a typical summer day in the North of England (dark, wet, and misrible) and I was attending my first day of High School. It was 2nd period, and only a few moments into Mrs Davenport's Biology lesson. I was having trouble opening my mathimatical pertractor and ruler case, due to trapping my hand in a car door the previous day outside of Argos (were my mam purchised the maths equipment case). I turned to my right, and said "Excuse me, can you open this please? My thumb hurts"... he looked at me as if to say "you fucking cretin" but obliged. It blossomed into a beautiful friendship.

Me and Drew are more or less the same person, we share the same taste in everything. He's one of the few people I can be 100% myself around without offending/upsetting/scaring. Honestly the only real difference I can think of between us is he always gave a shit... where as I just couldn't care less about most things. This is perfect for me really; He's going to be a big shot dentist one day, earning loads of money... and I'm going to be slugging it out in a low payed job, doing stupid 12 hour shifts all time of the day and night. Why is this perfect? Because I've got a rock solid reason to make him buy the beer! PARRRTAY!

I honestly couldn't decide which would be more embarrassing to use as the 'this is Drew' picture. Though this one demonstrates his developing dad dance, the stupid hat picture makes him look like Olly Murs... which is really fucking embarrassing.

These days Drew attends University very far away, so we usually see each other for roughly 20 hours a year, spread over the few trips home he makes; This time is spent either eating a Chicken Curry/Satay sauce and chips from Danny's Kitchen - The Best Chinese chippy in Warrington, if not the world.

 (for those in the know... TWO CHICKEN IS WEADAAAAAAAAY)

...or we get rat arsed drunk off cheap cider on a swing set somewhere (mature I know) every now and again we'll try to do something that won't slowly destroy our bodies. Last year we booked tickets to go see Iron Maiden. I have seen Maiden before, Drew had yet been privy to the ear busting awesomeness of the Irons. We got our boots 'n denim, and Maiden Eddy the 'Ead shirts on, and hoped on the train to Manchester. We arrived a good few hours ealry to get some beers in (even when it's not focused on booze, it involves booze.) excited, we chatted about what songs we hoped to hear, and whether we should have a kebab or a curry afterwards. I got up to get the next round when the bartender asked me how the concert went.

how the concert the concert the concert went...
Now I've screwed up afew times in my life, and have bravely/brashly accepted a scolding. But having to go back to Drew and tell him that the show was last night, and were 18hours too late... was the single most stomach churning thing I've ever faced. The mood was kind of like this...


 "Here's to them playing Phantom of the Opera"


"You utter, fucking Cretin"

Alternatively I could of not told him... we could of just turned up and watched whoever was on the next night...

All I can say in my defence is... who the fuck puts on a Heavy Metal concert on a thursday night?
It cost us £40 each, and also the train fare there and back. The entire time I had to deal with remarks such as, "I hope we're not a day late for the train home" and "That was the best show I've never seen."
Since then I've not been allowed to organise anything; So when he rang me and told me he'd booked tickets for us to watch Jim Jefferies I was more excited than than a child told they're going to Alton towers, but without the later depression when they find out they've been tricked into going to the dentist (Drew being a future dentists is probably rofl at that bit). I packed my bags and waited patiently sat on the end of my bed looking at the watch until it was time to go... 3 months passed, September the 1st the weekend of our 11th anniversary! I booked my rail ticket and this is roughly what happened...

I'm up, shit shower shave etc...

I had a stonkingly good unlimited breakfast at the Toby Carvery (for those not in the know, that's £3.99, which is roughly $800 in American money, you can have unlimited trips to a Buffett table full of sausage, bacon, black pudding (that's fried pigs blood cake to you non Northern English), eggs, baked beans, potatoes ham and onion, full hash browns, and HP Brown sauce... I was in hog heaven.
I then messed about in town and booked another tattoo to kill time.

Arrived at the train station and promptly had to use the toilet (too much breakfast you see.)
By the way, Warrington has a 'No intimacy' rule on its platforms, that means no hugging, kissing, or even a saucy wink, regardless if you are in a mature relationship in which one of you is off for a few days.

On my jolly way.

Still stood up, fucking cattle class.

Had to literally run the length of the carriage, with my duffle bag and guitar to beat an old man to a seat... "Cobras show no mercy!"

Stalybridge... I can't think of a phrase that sums up shit hole up better than this town. Here 30 blokes aged 18 to 50+ get on ny carriage, the meanest most haggered hard nut of the group sit right next to me. Skin head, the faded yellow hint of a recent black eye, missing teeth, a fucking swastika tattoo on his knuckles and worst of all... A fucking Leed Rhinos shirt on.
Just my luck.

I've lived in Warrington for 14 years, and am half Warrintonian. I am a Warrington Wolves rugby club fan. Warrington Wolves stuffed Leeds Rhinos in the cup final the week before.
When Bazza (he looked like a Bazza) asked me where I'm from I immediately replied, "Manchester mate, and I don't like rugby."... This is where I start my drinking...

The only other anecdote from the train trip was when Drew rang me and told me his flat mate would be at York station getting on the same train as me, and that we should meet up. Here's how he describes him to me; bare in mind people near me could hear him (im slightly deaf, and need volume turned up) and bare in mind they all looked like members of Combat 18, and the BNP and also bare in mind since July 7th 2005 train stations are security risks for bombing...
 "Right, be on the look out for an Asian lad, with loads of bags running around looking for the train"... Now I'm not racist. But I'm sure Bazza and his mates round me were all thinking the same thing... And there is no way I'm asking anyone if they'd seen him around the station using that description.

Meet Drew and Kru (Asian lad with bags - lovely chap), they pay for the taxi. Score.

Get to flat, go immediately to the local shop and buy more booze and energy drinks.

Me and Drew (half cut) arrive at the theatre, we get more drinks.
Drew apparently can no longer do shots, (as he's a girl.) His house mates tell me his drinking stories, and how he now throws up at the mere thought of a Jagermeister thanks to them... I'm determined to make my mark and show them exactly how fucked up I could get him. I now top up all our drinks with the cheapest nastiest high percentage spirit I could find... I don't tell him I'm doing this. The fun begins.

The show started, neither of us remember anything what so ever of the show other than "it was the funniest thing we'd ever seen" I remember Drew standing up and shouting "WAHAY, 1ST MADDIE JOKE OF THE NIGHT" and "UP GUNTER UP" this was also horrendously funny at the time.

I acquired a purple beanie baby bear called Gemma, she joins the fun.

Disapproving onlookers...

We get photos taken with Jim... He has a huge head. A head swollen with funny jokes.

We go in a bar, someone ordered and paid for a round of drinks, then foolishly blinked. Me and Drew now have 4 pints... When I'm drunk apparently I'm a light fingered little bastard.

We get lied to by a guy who said he got a broken neck boxing a kangaroo, we see through the deciet after thinking hard on the matter for half an hour.

22:00 Onwards
Fuck knows really. We had to piece it together the next day. I do remember Drew blatantly taking the piss doing a Stereotypical piss-take of a Geordie accent (Newcastle accent) whilst arguing with a drunk woman and her mate who walked over sat down and called him a 'cunt' for no reason! It got very funny when we told her he was gonna be a dentist and he realised she had no bottom teeth.She also realised this and spent the rest of the argument with her bottom lip firmly tucked up over her gums.

If he'd of done this to two Newcastle blokes, this video will probably of ended up on crime watch "last words of a drunk before he was dragged down an alley for a beating"

I also remember a group of drunk Newcastle lads scored me a Pizza simply because they went to Creamfields festival in Warrington the week before... some this made me worthy of a 14 inch stuffed crust meatfeast.
And we somehow made it home with out getting decked for doing very loud obnoxious WHYAYE MAN, ALRYT PET, and DAAAY FIYUV IN DA BIG BWUDA HUSE comments all the way down the highstreet.

Damage assessment: Liver fucked, easily 12 pints of ale and cider and a dozen shots a piece, weighted down with an extremely greasy pizza.

The next morning I was fine, as I do the old native American trick of drinking a pint of water before sleep... And praying to the moon that my anscestors will flip me on my side during the night. Drew however didn't emerge until the crack of noon.
Kru (lovely chap and not a terrorist at all) asked Drew how the night went, the reply was something along the lines of "Uuuurh, I don't remember, move" he then ran to, and hugged the toilet bowl for an hour.
The rest of the weekend involved KFC for breakfast, a walk all over Newcastle, in 26degree heat... Bare in mind we a white northerners, and dehydrated already... This was hard fecking going. More drinking, carrying 200kgs worth of weights up to the top floor of a 4story building, and discovering the bloody tastiest spicy buffalo wings ever! (good call Kru).

All in all, good weekend, my liver wasn't impressed but I look forward to another.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Hardcore book review

I'm a history buff, I have honestly forgotten more about history than most people will ever learn. Due to this I tend to read solely historical books, the classics, and anything military based. When I do venture into the realm of fiction it usually has to be either a fictional account of a factual event eg: Bernard Cornwell's Azincourt. Or at the very least based around a point in history. The only absolute requirement I have in regards to fiction is this: They must be absolute ball crushing face planting hardcore ass stompers. Bring on the 3 best hardcore series I've read...

Antihero - Saxon Sagas

This series is written by my favorite author, Bernard Cornwell. This guy has come up with some absolute badasstical characters; Derfel Cadarn from his Warlord trilogy. Thomas of Hookton from his grail quest chronicles, and Nathaniel Starbuck, from his American civil war Starbuck chronicles, and the most famous one Richard Sharpe (played by Sean 'mother Fuckin' Bean, the manifest man ever to grow a half days worth of stubble and headbutt an UrakHai to death before tea bagging it) but non of them even match up to Uhtred.

Uhtred Uhtredson/Ragnarson/ap Babenburg is a Saxon lords son, kidnapped by the Viking Ragnar who killed his entire family and burnt his home down. Uhtred beat the shit outta everyone with his teen angst alone whilst serving as a slave and was duley adopted by Ragnar in a case of seriously fucked up medieval Stockholm Syndrome and became a honourary Viking just for being hard as fuck aged 10. He then spent the next few years doing loads of Viking father and son bonding activities like pillaging villages, burning churches, and murdering innocent people.
Uhtred decided he liked Viking life, and his new family, and that he'd be very happy... Ragnar and all of Uhtred's Viking friends were burned alive about 2 hours later by another feuding family.

Now Uhtred got abit pissed off about this. That's 2 families slaughtered, and he just wasn't happy. So he runs full blast Usain Bolt style down to his uncle near Wales, kills a bunch of sheep shaggers to prove to his uncle how badass and loyal he is, in return his uncle tries to have him assassinated.
Uhtred is seeing a pattern emerging here so he hops down to Wessex to help a guy called Alfred... The Great. The only monarch in English history to be called Great, why? Because he bitch slapped the Vikings, history's most hardcore bearded pirating, murdering rapists; I mean seriously,The Viking idea of Heaven was Valhalla; where they fight battles all day, and feast and rape big tittied hotties all night. If you can send these guys packing, that makes you pretty fucking great in my book... But this is Bernard Cornwell's book, and its about Uhtred, and Uhtred quickly decided he's way more of a toughguy than Alfred, and proves it by fucking up everything in his way, and then by shitting all over Alfred and his lords at every possible opportunity. This understandably makes him unpopular, but I reckon he actually like making enemies, as it gives him more people to punch in the dick and piss and give them a dirty Sanchez while they are unconscious

This is Alfred the Great; known for ridding England from the wrath of the Northmen...
Uhtred thinks he's a pussy.

Over the course of 6 books (to date) he kills too many people to count, goes pirating without permission, burns churches, slags off Christianity** to anyone that will listen Christopher Hitchins style, gets married, divorced and remarried, abuses all his partners, ignores his fathering responsibilities, unless it's showing off how awesome he is to his kids, saves everyone's ass from Vikings, kills afew Viking and Saxon heroes, wins battles and gets given no credit, and then makes a big fuss over it all and throws a paddy... This guys is an angry person without having his manly glory stole. I can't wait for the next book, I'm sure he'll get pissed and break some noses.

** Christianity was the followed religion in Anglo-Saxon England in the later half of the 6th Century. Uhtred worships the old gods; Woden (Odin) and Thunor (Thor) these deities love war, and swing Hammers. Uhtred reguarly calls this faith whimpish, even exlaiming at one point to Nun whom had just been defiled "This wouldn't of happened if you were a Nun. My Gods swing Hammers, your god was nailed to a cross... shall I explain more?"- Just like Hitchens... No mercy!

The Bolitho Novels

Written by Alexander Kent, Richard Bolitho is a fictional Royal Navy hero. The 2 dozen books chronicling his and his adopted nephew's life are set in the good old days, when stockings were manly and men were real men, Britannia ruled the waves, and firing a canon point blank into a Frenchmen's face was totally acceptable and encouraged... If only I could go back.

The novels cover Richard Bolitho's navel asskicking carer from the tender age of 12 when he was an English midshipman and was expected to command men upto 3 times his age in killing Frenchies, Spaniards, and other people that didn't understand Britannia ruled the damn waves. It finishedfor Richard when he became an admiral some 40years later and got killed during a totally epic sea battle. His nephew Adam then became the main character. Taking up the mantle of standing straight, dressed in your best, and staying level headed as fuck, whilst splinters of wood bursting out with the force of a 60 pound ball of iron moving at 200mph, fired from 10yards away, and causing blood and guts, arms and legs and eyeballs and teeth to fly throughout the air splattering anyone not already eviscerated with there best friend.

"Well done lads, that's another lot of dead Frenchies, Double tot of Rum all round!"

The Bolitho novels are majorly hardcore in the fact that Alexander Kent would make you get really attached to a character, like Bolitho's Boatswain (basically his commen as muck sailor bodyguard) and then without second thought and no warning just kill them. "the fire fight with French frigate was a short one, Richard looked around for Stockdale only to be told he'd saved him by jumping confront of a Frenchman blade."... Stockdale is a massive character for 5 books, and he's gone, just like that. That's a real ballsy move from an author.

Bolitho is one of my literary hero's, not just because he deep fries and eats Frogs, Dons, Yanks, Barbary pirates and anyone else that isn't flying a unionjack and washes them down with brown rum grogg; But because his name is Richard, and that is just fucking awesome.

A Song of Ice and Fire

For the heathens and newbies amongst you, this is the correct Literary name of a tv series which is massively popular right now called Game of Thrones. It's written by George RR Martin and it is
 the shit.

The Lord of the rings has nothing on this series, and I love The Lord of the rings. In the first few chapters of the first book alone you deal with mythical undead creatures tearing people up, court intrige, murder, conspiracy, executions with a two handed broad sword, child murder, incest on 2 counts, marital rape, a very interllegent, bitter,sarcastic, hedonistic dwarf (who is awesome), lots of duels to the death and more characters, names, information about a made up world, and folklore than any person could digest.
George RR Martin does not hold your hand in this series. Your favorite character is not safe from getting brutally murdered at any second (I've had my favorite characters viciously killed off without any warning 3 times) and every single character is balls to the wall hardcore. Even a 10year old girl in this book makes me question my manhood. *Rip off quote alert* this 10 year old girl gets given a sword and is given some advice off her brother... "First Lesson. Stick them with the pointy end." she leaned this lesson, and practiced on the faces of a couple dozen people.
The best part is how near all the characters have colliding goals, and because you feel so deeply for them you are at a loss; if X gets away with Y that means A gets painfully killed by B... It's a dilemma.

The other hardcore fact is George RR Martin has created an entire universe full to the brim of history, people, economies, class structure etc... Tolkien's middle earth is about the size of Wales, where Martin's Westeros is more like Asia Minor.

The true testiment to the hardcoreness of this series is one of the characters, Eddard Stark (who is executed at the end of the first book... oh by the way, there are Spoilers in this review) is a beast, he is incorruptable, and swings a huge two handed sword that lops heads off as if it was a hot huge two handed sword being swung down on butter. The reason I am picking him out as a testiment to badassery is bacause of who they decided to cast for his part in the TV adaptation.

Sean "Mother Fucking" Bean

I do believe that sums up the Hardcore Badassticalness. If anyone ever tells you that books are poo, boring, and for nerds; or that that TV or Cinema is way better, just do me a favour. Take them to a Library, Find anyone of the books mentioned above, Sit the person down, produce the book... And beat them to death with it.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Hardcore Games review

I'm a huge RPG nerd ('role playing game' for noobs) Anything that involves swords and magic and monsters Is right up my street. Below are the 4 (technically 6) best RPGs I've ever played. (prenote; Alpha Protocol made by SEGA is THE BEST non fantasy based RPG ever made, I may do a full blog on it alone.)

Vagrant Story

Vagrant Story developed by Japanese company Squaresoft, holds a very special place in my heart. It was the first RPG I'd ever played, It's also remains one of my top 5 games Ever.

Made in 2000 it is very outdated now, the graphics are extremely old, but the gameplay is still on par with anything out today. The combat system was, to be honest A BAPTISM OF FIRE, THAT GRABBED BEGINNER AND HARDCORE GAMER ALIKE, CHEWED THEM UP AND THEN SPAT THEM BACK OUT INTO A BLOODY, VISCERAL, HEAP OF OMFG WTF!!?!

By this I mean, it was very complex, and took a while to get your head round, but once you did, oooh boy did this game start getting good.
You are an agent that is hunting down some ass hole,(that you spend about 2 hours trying to figure out if its a girl or bloke) through a enormous linear story/map facing a whole host of bad guys, creatures, Bosses and I must say fucking terrifying puppet things that swing huge-ass-dock-off cleavers. 

Only a real man will Fight a Dragon, wearing a vest a Chaps.

 I love it that much, I would nail my left nut to the devils alter if it meant this game got an upto date sequel made.

The Elder Scrolls series.


Back in 1994 Bethesda produced the first in a long line of amazing games. Starting with Arena, Daggerfall, Battlespire and Redguard; but it wasn't until 2002 that they made my all time favorite game...

The ElderScrolls III: Morrowind

Morrowind and it's expansion packs, Blood Moon and Tribunal are amazing. Absolutely enormous open worlds full of awesomeness. They are just Awesomely Awesome Awesomeness.

Your Character, a prisoner sent by ship to the isle of Vvardenfell goes through a quick profile creation; You are then left to decide how you want to play. The choice is as endless as the game itself. I've had this game 8 fucking years, and I still haven't completed it. SERIOUSLY 8 FUCKING YEARS, HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF GAMEPLAY, AND I STILL HAVEN'T GOT ANYWHERE NEAR DOING EVERYTHING! The main story involves you fulfilling a prophesy and kicking the shit out of some asshole called Dagoth Ur thats been acting like a proper wanker sending ash clouds down from the volcano called Red Mountain; which has been upsetting all the locals, what with their families getting turned into bloated rotting monsters and what. But to save time I'm gonna cut out the bullshit and just slam together in one paragraph some of the other things you can do...

Ride huge flea things like a bus, sail to different ports, shop all day everyday, join guilds, rise through the ranks of guilds, customise your character, outfitting, weaponry, skills. Do missions for Religious orders, Local Policing, The Army, Local Merchants, Local guilds, Assassin's guilds, Fighters Guilds, Mages Guilds, Bounty contracts, mercenary contracts, body guard work, trading, couriering, treasure hunting, exploring, collecting alchemy ingredients, make potions, make spells, build a house, build a strong hold, build a village, climb mountains, turn into a vampire, turn into a werewolf, turn invisible, use hundreds of different armor, weapons, spells, swim, run, jump, teleport, climb mountains, fly, levitate, kill people, kill elves, kill orcs, kill lizard men, kill cat men, kill daemons, kill monsters, kill animals, kill anything that moves, loot bodies for booty, loot chests, loot houses, loot dungeons, loot caves, loot pretty much everything, steal, barter, buy, sell, talk to people, read hundreds of books and scrolls, and amongst soooo much more, you can spend far to much time playing the game, and neglect your own health...

The Graphics maybe a touch old, but an Ebony War Axe being hacked into the face of a Daedra is still an Ebony War Axe being hacked into the face of a Daedra.

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Oblivion and it's expansion packs Knights of the Nine and Shivering Isles. Well, what can be said about them... I could throw around phrases like "FUCKING YES", and "OH FUCKING HELL YEAH", and "HOLY FUCKING FUCKEROO", but I think I'll just stick with plain old "Fuck me what a game."

Your Character, a prisoner in the Imperial dungeons of Cyrodiil goes through a quick profile creation; You are then left to decide how you want to play. It's not quite as massive in terms of shit to do as Morrowind is, but hay, you can still do atleast 75% of all that cool shit, and the graphics even though 6 years old, still beat down a lot of brand spankin' new games.

Basically, Patrick Stewart tells you that you are a stone cold badass who must fulfill a prophecy, then you go on to meet Sean Bean (my hero) Then you go into a different dimension and TOTALLY FUCK UP EVERYTHING THAT MOVES! then you come back to your dimension and continue to TOTALLY FUCK UP EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!

Here's a fun fact; I have an addictive personality, I binge on things, RPGs being one of them. When I was 16 for a whole week, and I literally mean for 604800 seconds I was utterly and completely hooked on this game, I didn't bathe, I hardly slept, I neglected all social activities, I only used the toilet during loading screens, and I am not telling one world of a lie, I would ONLY eat and drink what my character was able to eat and drink in the game... Let me tell you another fun fact, I totally lost my shit with my mum; She asked what I wanted from Tescos for Tea (dinner if your American) I replied, a flagons worth of Ale, some grapes, a loaf of bread and a joint of boar meat.

I was that involved in the game, I asked for boar meat...
I then proceeded to scream and shout like that snotty little girl from Charlie and the chocolate factory who wanted a golden egg laying goose at my mum for not buying me boar meat. My mum, bless her went back out to Sainsburys, ASDA and ever a butchers to try and find me some fucking boar meat. I went hungry that night. A day later I lent Oblivion to a friend and got sober.

Like that helmet? Well go over there, totally fuck him up and loot it off him.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Skyrim, and it's expansion packs Dawnguard and Hearthfire have easily been the most anticipated game since 2006 (When Oblivion was released, duh). This game takes rocking fantasy balls off to a new level (-ing up system. haha that was a TES joke for nerds like me).

Your Character, a prisoner being transported by cart to a fort in Skyrim goes through a quick prof- Hang on, I've noticed a repeating pattern here... Characters creation, Prophecy, big bad guy, beat him, do loads of other cool shit along the way, totally fuck up things... yeah, It's basically the same as the last 2, but meh, the story is ace, the graphics are beautiful, and the gameplay is FUCKING PHENOMINOMINAL and to top it all, Dragons... FUCKING DRAGONS.

"Oh shit, it's a fucking dragon!"

The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings

Developed by CD Projekt RED; I bought this game yesterday... and holy shit nuggets, it's already one of my top 5 ever games. 

The story is slowly unfolding, but I'm only a few hours in, you basically get sucked into this conspiracy involving regicide, where you are to clear your name and restore order before the entire land erupts into violent civil war... all the usual Questing Hero shit. Like all my favorite RPGs you level up and unlock abilities, barter with merchants, do quests 'n all that, use spells, and can use a variety of sweet ass weapons and outfits to dish out delicious death to ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

The voice acting in this is excellent, mostly UK West country bumpkins, and the occasional bearable Yank voice actor, but what makes me love this game is the sheer beauty. The graphics are unbelievably good.

My character, in game graphics, just before I knock the other guys teeth out as if he was Liam Gallagher in a Munich nightclub brawl.

If you do anything tonight, go on youtube and watch the Opening cutscene. Every time I load the game, I physically have to watch it.

Mount and Blade

Independently made by Taleworlds, which is basically a guy and his wife.

Sure the graphics are a bit poor compared to literally ever game made post 2002, sure it has absolutely no story line what so ever, sure the few missions in the game a repetitive and unimaginative BUT...

That's me, on horseback, shooting a bow... from horseback.

Several extremely expensive games, years in the making, with an enormous working staff have tried to do this; Two Worlds, Two Worlds 2, and Oblivion, and Skyrim; and you know what? A Turkish guy and his Wife served them. 
Seriously, If it was a Street dance film, all the big boy games would be like a totally dope group of black people that seriously know how to bust out moves, and talk all cool, and wear cool clothes, and everyone loves them because they are such a cool dancing group. Mount and Blade would be a 5 yearold white kid, in a wheelchair, with brittlebone syndrome... and he'd show them how it's fucking done.

Who needs a story/plot/purpose when you can command your own personal army, shoot people with a bow whilst galloping full speed Genghis Kahn style, seige castles, rule a village, castle, town even a country and most importantly ride a fucking war horse straight into a army of enemies lance first, impaling a dude, then whipping out a bastard sword and charging around cutting bitches up like you were Nigella Lawson on amphetamines in front of a bowl of cucumbers.

(attention, rip off quote) Now you know what the best Fantasy RPGs are...

"You should rest, and Meditate on what you've learned"

Hardcore movie review

I'm taking, and by taking I mean blatantly stealing my friends movie review blog post idea.
There are 4 films this year that really stood out for me, as they were the most hardcore-gratuitously-violent-rip-your-face-off-and-shove-it-up-your-arse-to-fill-the-cavity-where-your-guts-used-to-be-before-they-were-liquidated-and-ejected-through-your-back-along-with-your-spine-and-a-50cal-bullet or, in short utterly awesome. They are (in order of utter awesomeness)


Safe, 2012; staring Jason Statham as an ex New York cop, who's family is murdered by some Russian arsehole, who tells him he'll murder anyone that gets close to him... He does.

Statham's path crosses with a super smart Chinese girl being used by the Triads as a human code book; shit goes sour and the Russians, Triads and every cop in New York (cause we know they are all corrupt) are trying to track her down. Statham with his massive furrowed brow and shitty yank accent gets involved and goes Donkey Kong banana hurling ape shit crazy with anyone that even looks at the girl. Loads of people die, and the good guys live happily ever after.
Why this film rocks balls...

Yeah, she means business.

Statham character is a complete monster, he destroys people's evening plans using guns, his body and car doors. It's just awesome. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it 8 broken ribs. The only reason it didn't score a 10 was because I wanted to see more.

Dredd 3D

Easily the most balls out excellent comic character ever.
Staring the guy who played Eomir in Lord of the rings (I cba checking out IMDB for his real name) and some other chick, the actors aren't important when you don't see anything other than a pissed of frown.

After a morning of melting junkies faces with face melting  ammunition rounds, Judge Dredd gets stuck with a rookie. They go to a tower block where Cersie Lannister (Game of Thrones joke - I'll do my next post on GoT) decides she's the law... hahaha, silly cow, Judge Dredd IS THE LAW! No one sentences the Judge to death, and gets away with it without being thrown off the 200th floor of their own mega tower in slow motion while Dredd says something awesome like "sentence...death"
The Stallone film was great, but HOLY SHIT this was on another level, from beginning to the very end the Judge just littered the entire building full of dead thugs dispensing law and justice with a variety of brutally amusing ammunition.

My favorite part; hard choice, it could be the fact that before he violently ends the guys infront of him, he recounts their crimes and gives sentence. Or when Dredd punches some sneaky lying dick who's twice his size in the throat and visibly crushes his wind pipe whilst saying "Choke on this"
8 out of 10. Same reason as above.

Side note, I'm a biker, and a swear, I wish these things were real. Me wanty, me waaaaanty one now!

The Expendables 2

Cast: Everyone.
Plot: kill everyone
Why: to save the world... Obviosly

It's a action movie fans wet dream. The first one was shit, not because it was a poor film, but because of the false hope. Arnie and Willis were cameos, which is just not acceptable. But the sequel however OOOOH EMMMM EFIN GEEEEE!!! this pic says it all...

While they were unloading rounds into the enemy, I was unloading into my jeans.

Chuck Fuckin Norris quoted, which is an awesome sight in both senses of the term. Arnie and Willis traded catchphrases, and Jean Claude Van Damme-son-you-rule didn't have a mullet, and instead delivered Bowie knife launching flying hurricane kicks. Must I go on? Ok, how about 3 suped up jeeps armed with steroid pumped rampaging mega stars firing guns that removed baddies vital organs with all the precision of a 50cal high velocity round to a Cambodian terrorists torso... Oh wait. More? How about Stallone and Van Damme facing off?

9 out of 10, it didn't have Steven Segal, so they better not fuck up not casting him in the 3rd one.

The Raid: Redemption.

I only have one word to some up this film. Ernokle.

I made this word up; why? Because I could not find a word that sums up the absolute brain frying brilliance of this film. Take all the outrageous metaphoric and graphic descriptions I've written from the last reviews, soke them in petrol, squish them altogether, let them dry then ignite it and fire it as a howitzer round into a thesaurus devoted solely to badass terminology... Ernokle.

An Indonesian SWAT team enter a tower block to apprehend some badguys. Badguys launch an ambush and kill the majority of the team. There are now only a handful of SWAT left, one of them being this guy
This guy is Iko Uwais.

Over the next 90 mins he basically unleashes the most unbelievable martial art assaults you've ever seen. He has no ammo, he's trying to keep his semi-conscious buddy alive, he only has a tactical knife and a nightstick. The other guys trying to murder him, don't have to fireman lift 150lb Jakartan policemen whilst roundhouse kicking doors open, have not just been ambushed with fully automatic and explosive weapons, and have not had to just punch a hole through the floor to escape certain death. They do however have lots of back up, guns, and a Machete wielding gang of decapitation happy maniacs.
Iko Uwais just doesn't give a shit. Iko and his Sergeant (also an incredible badass mother fucker) don't need weapons.

Here's a quick list of things they use to kill badguys;
  • Throw them out of windows.
  • Throw them down stair cases.
  • Throw them into the fire of enemy weapons.
  • Break their necks.
  • Beat them to death.
  • Make a bomb out of a gas tank.
  • Electrocute them.
  • Impale them on splintered door frames.
  • Kill them with a fridge.
  • Kill someone by using someone else as a human warhammer.

10 out of 10. Even the ridiculous dubbing could not of ruined this film. There were moments of suspension where you hold your breath in-case the bad guy hears you, followed by moments of "OMFG DID YOU SEE THAT!!?!" Buy it, Download it, Stream it, whatever, just watch it.

So there you have it, the 4 most ball busting films of 2012; microwave your popcorn, turn up the volume, and have a spare pair of undies ready, 'cause things are gonna get messy...