Sunday, 16 September 2012

Hardcore movie review

I'm taking, and by taking I mean blatantly stealing my friends movie review blog post idea.
There are 4 films this year that really stood out for me, as they were the most hardcore-gratuitously-violent-rip-your-face-off-and-shove-it-up-your-arse-to-fill-the-cavity-where-your-guts-used-to-be-before-they-were-liquidated-and-ejected-through-your-back-along-with-your-spine-and-a-50cal-bullet or, in short utterly awesome. They are (in order of utter awesomeness)


Safe, 2012; staring Jason Statham as an ex New York cop, who's family is murdered by some Russian arsehole, who tells him he'll murder anyone that gets close to him... He does.

Statham's path crosses with a super smart Chinese girl being used by the Triads as a human code book; shit goes sour and the Russians, Triads and every cop in New York (cause we know they are all corrupt) are trying to track her down. Statham with his massive furrowed brow and shitty yank accent gets involved and goes Donkey Kong banana hurling ape shit crazy with anyone that even looks at the girl. Loads of people die, and the good guys live happily ever after.
Why this film rocks balls...

Yeah, she means business.

Statham character is a complete monster, he destroys people's evening plans using guns, his body and car doors. It's just awesome. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it 8 broken ribs. The only reason it didn't score a 10 was because I wanted to see more.

Dredd 3D

Easily the most balls out excellent comic character ever.
Staring the guy who played Eomir in Lord of the rings (I cba checking out IMDB for his real name) and some other chick, the actors aren't important when you don't see anything other than a pissed of frown.

After a morning of melting junkies faces with face melting  ammunition rounds, Judge Dredd gets stuck with a rookie. They go to a tower block where Cersie Lannister (Game of Thrones joke - I'll do my next post on GoT) decides she's the law... hahaha, silly cow, Judge Dredd IS THE LAW! No one sentences the Judge to death, and gets away with it without being thrown off the 200th floor of their own mega tower in slow motion while Dredd says something awesome like "sentence...death"
The Stallone film was great, but HOLY SHIT this was on another level, from beginning to the very end the Judge just littered the entire building full of dead thugs dispensing law and justice with a variety of brutally amusing ammunition.

My favorite part; hard choice, it could be the fact that before he violently ends the guys infront of him, he recounts their crimes and gives sentence. Or when Dredd punches some sneaky lying dick who's twice his size in the throat and visibly crushes his wind pipe whilst saying "Choke on this"
8 out of 10. Same reason as above.

Side note, I'm a biker, and a swear, I wish these things were real. Me wanty, me waaaaanty one now!

The Expendables 2

Cast: Everyone.
Plot: kill everyone
Why: to save the world... Obviosly

It's a action movie fans wet dream. The first one was shit, not because it was a poor film, but because of the false hope. Arnie and Willis were cameos, which is just not acceptable. But the sequel however OOOOH EMMMM EFIN GEEEEE!!! this pic says it all...

While they were unloading rounds into the enemy, I was unloading into my jeans.

Chuck Fuckin Norris quoted, which is an awesome sight in both senses of the term. Arnie and Willis traded catchphrases, and Jean Claude Van Damme-son-you-rule didn't have a mullet, and instead delivered Bowie knife launching flying hurricane kicks. Must I go on? Ok, how about 3 suped up jeeps armed with steroid pumped rampaging mega stars firing guns that removed baddies vital organs with all the precision of a 50cal high velocity round to a Cambodian terrorists torso... Oh wait. More? How about Stallone and Van Damme facing off?

9 out of 10, it didn't have Steven Segal, so they better not fuck up not casting him in the 3rd one.

The Raid: Redemption.

I only have one word to some up this film. Ernokle.

I made this word up; why? Because I could not find a word that sums up the absolute brain frying brilliance of this film. Take all the outrageous metaphoric and graphic descriptions I've written from the last reviews, soke them in petrol, squish them altogether, let them dry then ignite it and fire it as a howitzer round into a thesaurus devoted solely to badass terminology... Ernokle.

An Indonesian SWAT team enter a tower block to apprehend some badguys. Badguys launch an ambush and kill the majority of the team. There are now only a handful of SWAT left, one of them being this guy
This guy is Iko Uwais.

Over the next 90 mins he basically unleashes the most unbelievable martial art assaults you've ever seen. He has no ammo, he's trying to keep his semi-conscious buddy alive, he only has a tactical knife and a nightstick. The other guys trying to murder him, don't have to fireman lift 150lb Jakartan policemen whilst roundhouse kicking doors open, have not just been ambushed with fully automatic and explosive weapons, and have not had to just punch a hole through the floor to escape certain death. They do however have lots of back up, guns, and a Machete wielding gang of decapitation happy maniacs.
Iko Uwais just doesn't give a shit. Iko and his Sergeant (also an incredible badass mother fucker) don't need weapons.

Here's a quick list of things they use to kill badguys;
  • Throw them out of windows.
  • Throw them down stair cases.
  • Throw them into the fire of enemy weapons.
  • Break their necks.
  • Beat them to death.
  • Make a bomb out of a gas tank.
  • Electrocute them.
  • Impale them on splintered door frames.
  • Kill them with a fridge.
  • Kill someone by using someone else as a human warhammer.

10 out of 10. Even the ridiculous dubbing could not of ruined this film. There were moments of suspension where you hold your breath in-case the bad guy hears you, followed by moments of "OMFG DID YOU SEE THAT!!?!" Buy it, Download it, Stream it, whatever, just watch it.

So there you have it, the 4 most ball busting films of 2012; microwave your popcorn, turn up the volume, and have a spare pair of undies ready, 'cause things are gonna get messy...


1 comment:

  1. You're hilarious, almost as hilarious as me. And im totes annoyed that you stole my idea x