Friday, 19 October 2012

Taken 2... The cleaners

I watched Taken back when it first came out. I was utterly blown away by it's merciless grit. The story was excellent, the acting was awesome, and the directing was superb. It is currently honoured in my DVD collection. So when I found out Taken 2 was out I was giddier than a puppy on smack. The second I got back from my holiday I made a beeline straight for the Cinema... I came to fully regret it.
What a sack of shite.

I'm a movie buff, cinema is one of my true loves, but Taken 2 made me sink to the grotty chewing gum stained overpriced Odeon "Premier" seat to point where I wanted to leave before it was even over.
Here's why. (The following contains spoilers... But tbh the directing and writing already spoiled the film so fuck it, but if you still don't want to know the plot and it's colossal flaws just skip to the very last sentence)...

The film was bearable for the first 30mins, Neeson takes his ex wife n daughter all have a Disney style protective dad, disapproving mum, rebellious kid moment then they go to Turkey, bad guys plan on kidnapping and murdering them. Neeson and ex-wife get taken. Neeson manages to sneakily phone his daughter so she could go throw grenades about, and he pinpoints his location by calculating sound speed and direction. Aside from the story being unimaginative and lame, I have 2 issues with this part of the film:
1. Why ring his daughter when he could ring the police, or atleast tell his daughter to contact the police rather than running around lobbing grenades.
2. There was no repercussions for the grenade lobbing, either immediatly or later on. That means absolutely no questioning from either Turkish or USA about a 17year old running around rooftops throwing grenades in one of the world's busiest cities.

After a while Neeson and his daughter jack a cab, shoot the police chief to death with out questioning (seems they assumed he was a crook, and not just investigating a girl throwing grenades willingly) and then  go on a crazy drive about the city, the gimmick is she's not passed her test yet. They end up driving directly at the USA embassy building, break though despite taking fire and are safe. 3 issues here...
1. The USA embassy troops unload afew 50cal. Machine gun rounds into the car. A few 50cal. Round would tear a Jeep in half, yet this car takes a dozen hits, keeps moving and Neeson and daughter aren't liquidated.
2. The USA embassy aparantly doesn't use their mandatory basic security installations in Turkey... Where were the tyre spikes, the radio operated steel bollards, the gate even?
 3. Once Neeson and daughter and jacked cab take 20 high velocity huge caliber rounds and crash dramatically through a security check building (seemingly built from balsa wood and lolly pop sticks rather than bricks and concrete) the car finally stops; here's the most annoying part...
Neeson makes a goddamn transcontinental phone call and then has a 5 minute conversation with his daughter about how he will find the men that did this, get back his ex-wife and kill those responsible; and about how he loves his daughter and about what they should have for tea tonight, who are you going to vote for this election and what's your favorite Pokemon and why... Ok maybe not all of that, but seriously, if a car in a Muslim country was driving full speed at the USA embassy, and actually got past the Yanks I SERIOUSLY don't think the Americans would take 5 minutes to do anything; that car would of been obliterated before a monologue could start.

A car at the moment a 50cal. round hits it.

Fast forward 2 seconds...Neeson is now walking the streets of Istanbul in a black leather jacket.
Well, cohesion obviously doesn't matter in this film so I won't even question how he got out of the above situation, the ramifications of the aforementioned actions or even why the Americans let this man loose on a vengeance rampage WITHOUT ANY HELP. Fuck it, I only want to know how he got the jacket; did he stop to buy one on the way to the badguys den, or did the embassy stock the exact same jacket he had from the first movie?

Neeson kills a bunch of bad guys, has a fist fight - shit choreography and camera work btw. Then faces down the boss man, gives him a telling off then says he's free to go. Boss man tries shooting him with the gun Neeson put down after the stern talk; surprise surprise no bullets SHOCK!!! Neeson is pissed about this and shoves the guys face.

Yeah, the man who kidnapped his daughter, her mother, and him then promised he was going to chop them all up and feed them to pigs, then collect the pig poo, use it to fertiliser a field of corn, then burn the field down and salt the ground out of pure hatred etc... Got his face shoved.

creen shot directly out of the film (I promise it is) Neeson slap fights badguy


The whole family is having ice cream because you know, a kidnapping, getting tortured and a the whole horrific experience is no biggy, hell the daughters boyfriend even joins in and everyone has a good old knee slap because Neeson cracks a overprotective dad joke.
Doesn't it make you blood fucking curdle? The original was an 18, it was brutal, and real. This was a 12a sell out for kids. Imagine if they made a Rambo or Terminator film (i believe the original Taken is on par) but made a sequel where there was no real violence, poncy fight scenes and Disney style family friendly jokes. Blood Fucking Curdling.

12A (PG13) certificate.

I found this quote on Wikipedia from one of the producers when asked about another sequal: "We didn't start talking about Taken 3 until we saw the numbers, But then we said, 'Oh, okay. I think we should do a third one.' And Fox wants us to do a third one. We've taken everyone we can take—it's going to go in another direction. Should be interesting."
Hopefully they'll go in the direction of making the next a good film? maybe deepen the plot? maybe make it make fucking sense?

Don't waste your money or time on this shit.


  1. Hahaaaa, I won't say I told you so, but I kind of told you to watch looper instead!
    I wonder what her favourite pokemon was?

  2. I've watched afew films this week. Sinister was pretty good for an American horror. Looper was far better than Taken2. I reckon her favorite Pokemon was weedle, because it's a disappointment, just like the film!